Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I laughed so hard while I read this email...

I signed up to get email from an organization/cleaning site and this was one of the messages today. I had to contain my laughter while reading because I'm at work... a little chuckle now and then is fine but rolling on the floor in giggles would probably raise a few eyebrows! Don't pay attention to the numbers... and fyi, SHE is a sidetracked home executive. :)

1. SHEs shouldn't go outside in the morning in their gowntail! We never know where your keys are!
2. SHEs shouldn't try to shimmy through the doggy doors to get back in the house! It's not fun to have the neighbors call the fire department to get you help.
3. SHEs shouldn't leave keys with the neighbors; it is too embarrassing to go ask for them after you have locked yourself out three times in two days. This could result in trying to get through the doggy door.
4. SHEs shouldn't ever leave a room with water running in a sink or bathtub that has been plugged. This goes for He SHEs too!!!
5. SHEs shouldn't preheat ovens because we forget that we have stashed the mail in there, a hidden birthday cake, or pizza box. It is not fun to see flames coming out your oven door.
6. SHEs shouldn't ever leave a car running and shut the door, especially to get the kids out. It's not fun to call the police to get your car door open. It goes without saying it.
7. SHEs shouldn't leave the house and drive anywhere with house slippers and pajamas on. You are just asking to have a flat tire.
8. SHEs shouldn't eat in the car, while driving and talking on a cell phone. For that matter, SHE shouldn't ever talk on a cell phone and drive period.
9. SHEs shouldn't leave anything cooking on the stove and walk out of the room. Salsa or spaghetti sauce is not fun to clean up if is has splatter all over the place.
10. SHEs shouldn't bake cookies without a timer! Blackened Cookies are not a Cajun delicacy.
11. SHEs should never put a coke can in the freezer to get cold quick! Exploding Coke Cans and the sticky material are hard to get off a ceiling.
12. SHEs shouldn't ever leave candles burning, unless they are in a glass jar. It is scary to wake up in the middle of the night and see a strange glow coming from your living room.
13. SHEs shouldn't ever let these words come out of their mouth, "I can do that later!" Later never comes.
14. SHEs shouldn't ever let their gas tank go below half full. You never know when you will run out of gas and be in your gowntail.
15. SHEs shouldn't ever put bills, permission slips or invitations in a pile to do later. We never look in those piles until they fall over. The regrets that fill you up as you clean them out are hazardous to your health.
16. SHEs shouldn't have houseplants, unless there is someone else in the house that takes pity and waters them for you.
17. SHEs shouldn't put leftovers in any container other than ZipLock Bags. How many times have you searched for that casserole dish and found it filled with some science project.
18. SHEs shouldn't ever wash all your husbands underwear in one load, he might have to go commando when you forget to put them in the dryer.
19. SHEs shouldn't ever boil water on high for tea. Before it boils dry, it has percolated out the spout, all over your stove.
20. SHEs shouldn't ever fry chicken in a skillet. Always use a pot with tall sides so the grease doesn't boil over.
21. SHEs shouldn't ever have a pair of navy and black pumps of the same style. Its not fun to show up at an event with different colored
shoes.
22. SHEs shouldn't ever run to the grocery store for just one item. That can of green chilies might end up costing you $82.00!
23. SHEs shouldn't ever take their wedding rings off to mix hamburger meat. You might accidentally throw your rings in the trash. This goes
for washing your hands too.
24. SHEs shouldn't ever put earrings or contact lenses on over the bathroom sink. You are just asking to drop them down the drain.
25. SHEs shouldn't ever put things in a safe keeping place. We tend to forget where we put them. I am still searching for a car title from 10 years ago, even though I have gotten a replacement title. The mystery still confounds me!
26. SHEs shouldn't ever wash towels with clothes just to save time. Those fuzz ball are hard to explain.
27. SHEs shouldn't be surprised after they find FlyLady when their husband walks right up to them and looks them in the eyes and says, "Who are you and what have you done with my wife!"

HONORABLE MENTION goes to: "The Spare Key":
After reading about all the SHEs that locked themselves out of the house, I decided to hide an extra key outside, just in case. I had always had this in the back of my mind to do, but being a SHE, never got around to it. As I stood on the front porch, I tried to think of a place that the average thief wouldn't think to look. Then I
remembered someone telling me that they kept their key under a rock in the flower bed. When I lifted the appropriate sized rock guess what I found? A key to the house, hidden by me about a year ago! LOL I was so embarrassed. I thought to myself, "Apparently, I would have to find a more memorable place to hide the key." So I settled on the flower pot on the front step. To my amazement, there lies another house key hidden by me over three years ago, when we first moved in!
This time I laughed so hard I peed my pants.
As I recounted my story to my husband that night at dinner he started laughing so hard, he started to cry. I started to get a little upset with him. Being a SHE I can laugh at myself but I don't want any one to laugh at me. My husband could see my expression changing and said, "Honey, I am not laughing at you! I'm laughing at ME!" He stood up from the table, took my hand, and lead me to the front door and onto the porch. Still laughing out loud, he pulled back the corner of the Welcome mat and there was yet another shiny house key. He had put it there after he had locked himself out of the house about a month ago. Not only had I not remembered that I had hidden a key outside, twice; I had never told him that I had. They had been there the morning that he had been stranded outside for two hours while my sister dove to our house from a neighboring town with an extra set to open the door. Will we SHEs ever learn? Flybaby babe, Salem, OR
# 11: She's shouldn't go to work in the morning and forget to tell their DH(who has she tendencies.) that DS 17, stayed home in bed ill . When DH cmes in for breakfast, and stray cat runs in, DH (because of rabies in the area) and in a moment of sheness may try to protect his home with the first thing he sees (a mop). After running through every room, and under every piece of furniture, you guessed it . They end up in ds's room where he is at the time sound asleep,(not for long). DH goes in yeling and waving the mop," I told you to get out of here you so&so!!!!!!! ! At this my ds was instntly awake standing on his bed with his eyes bulging out of his head. DH calmly says oh hello son I didn't know you were home.
# 10: SHE shouldn't use a lighter to light a burner that won't light on a gas cook stove and then lay the lighter down beside the stove top. The lighter could leak gas and blow up when it hits the flame on the stove and catch her hair on fire making her think that the stove has blown up, and run screaming through the living room and slapping herself on the head trying to put out her hair when she remembers to " stop, drop, and roll" which she immediately tries to do between the couch and the coffee table in front of her shocked husband who doesn't know what is happening. Glad to say no major damage just singed hair, a very embarassed SHE wife and a lesson well learned about lighters and gas stoves. Flying in Ky
# 9: She shouldn't start her mini van at 7 o'clock at night when it looks like a snow cone, to just let it run for 1/2 hour to melt the ice off after a huge ice storm. When she is 20 min late in getting 4 kids off to school, she might in her frazzled state open the front door and say to her 2 older ds's wow who started the van for me? When they answer I didn't. She might just need a second but it will hit
her with horror. Oh my, my van has been running all night! Over 13 hours to be exact! It burned 7/8 of a tank of gas. The van was definitely de-iced and too toasty we had to roll all the windows down to ride to school it was like summer time in the van. Still a she but a flying she! I kind of enjoy laughing at my she-ness now that I'm flying! Ontario Flybaby
# 8: SHE's shouldn't leave the unlabeled container of bathroom cleaning wipes conveniently on the back of the toilet tank. Her very SHE auntie might, while a houseguest, assume that said cleaning wipes are for "personal" use (to put it delicately). Then SHE might have to spend a very, very long time on the phone with the customer service department of the manufacturer of the bathroom cleaning wipes. After which, the SHE auntie might have to spend an additional very, very long time standing in a rather awkward position in the shower to properly flush the "personal" area and remove any potentially caustic chemicals from her person. This was an honest oversight on the part of the SHE, but SHE should have seen it coming since the auntie SHE had already put glue stick on her lips, washed her hair with
conditioner for a month and couldn't figure out what was wrong with her hair, and eaten pet snacks due to the fact that she is too impetuous to read a label! My husband is really concerned that it runs in the family! I do, however, keep the cleaning supplies safely in a cabinet and make sure everything keeps its labels. Beginning to FLY in VA
# 7: A SHE should not try high-tech solutions to her DH's snoring problem before she fixes her own.
SHE should not strap a snore-responsive microphone/shock device to his arm, because it will pick up the sound of the SHE's snores, and shock him all night long. (Much better for the SHE to exercise and take bubble baths so she sleeps soundly, and to have the peace which decluttering brings, so that when she does wake up to DH's snores, she can waggle his head and then go right back to sleep again.) - Flybaby in North Carolina
# 6: SHE's shouldn't let themselves get too tired -- Last week I was going over some homeschooling with my 11yo DD when I realized I hadn't seen or heard my fast-crawling 13 month old DD in a while. I said, "Anyone know where the baby is?" My older daughter just looked at me and said, "Mom?" Lo and behold, I'm nursing the baby! - in Colorado
# 5: My husband just loves waterbeds, especially during the winter when our bedroom gets drafty and the waterbed is so nice and warm. A few months ago, during some of the coldest, bone chilling days of winter and while my husband was out of town, we sprung a minor leak and I called the serviceman. Our mattress was still under warranty, so he simply replaced it but with a better, higher-end mattress that was made from a new, more pliable, material.
He set up the new mattress and started filling it. As we were chatting, a snowstorm was brewing and weather advisories were being posted on the t.v., so he decided to leave. He told me to check on the mattress every ten minutes or so, and when the mattress top was level with the bed frame, to just turn off the water and proceed as
usual.
I sat in the bedroom as the mattress filled, watching the weather reports, and I decided to go call the airlines to see if my DH was, indeed, going to be able to fly home later that night. I had to go downstairs to look up the phone number, and while I was in the kitchen I started to empty the dishwasher, wipe down the stove, and
generally pick up. I heard that his flight had departed and was on time so far, and I was so relieved that--you guessed it--I completely forgot about the waterbed.
By the time I went back upstairs to change the baby's diaper two hours later, the mattress was so full of water that it was taller than I was--and I'm 5 1/2 feet tall! It had burst the bed frame, which laid shattered on the floor, and had blown the footboard five feet across the room. In another ten minutes, I'm sure the mattress would have exploded and flooded the bedroom.
I stopped the water and immediately called the serviceman and left the message that I...uh...had overfilled the mattress and needed to talk to him. I drained the water and I got the mattress fairly empty.
DH came home and I told him that I had overfilled the mattress and broken the bed, and he asked how much I could have overfilled. I just said, "well, the new mattress is made of really strong material!" and when he felt the mattress he agreed, although he didn't think that was a good explanation.
The next day the serviceman came and I was too embarassed to tell him how long I had let the water flow, so I just said that it got "pretty high, maybe almost to my chin level or so..." and he said, "luckily it didn't get to above your head, to five and a half feet or so, because that's about where these mattresses explode."
Then he said that I'd be surprised at how many people have this happen, but most of the time they try to lie and tell him that their bed frames exploded after the mattresses were only slightly overfilled and either their kids, or their pets, or their spouses just felt the need to jump on them. He said that most people wouldn't
admit to overfilling it as much as I had. He fixed the bed frame, restarted the water (the mattress was fine!) and made me promise not to leave the room this time. That night, we slept in a nice, warm waterbed again while the wind howled outside, and I was giggling in bed just thinking about what could have been...but I haven't been able to tell anyone this story because it would make me look too stupid and I had already covered up the worst and most humiliating of the facts! Flybaby in Pittsburgh, PA
# 4: A SHE should not eat too many pineapples when on holidays in Hawaii while nursing a newborn baby. She may try to take the baby to the toilet in the back of the airplane on the way home to change a diaper, and find that the baby now has a very runny diaper which drips onto the mans shirt in the next seat while climbing out. Fortunately, he was sleeping, but when he awoke, he didn't know what the stuff on his shirt was, and everyone was too embarassed to tell him. He put his finger on it to feel it, then tasted it with a puzzled look, then looked up to see if something had leaked onto him from above - of course while the people in the seats around him were all hiding behind their magazines, and too embarassed to tell him.
# 3: SHE's with very smart talking parrots should be ready to fling open the door for anyone at a moments notice, or else when said SHE is having a party, the parrot will put on a little skit that goes something like this "ding dong doorbell) "SHHHHHHH! Pretend we're not home! SHHHHHH! Pretend we're not home!" in her own voice while 40 of her friends, family & coworkers laugh hysterically.
# 2: My husbands face began to get flushed on a Sat, even got worse on Sun. We decided he should stop taking all of his vitamins to see if that was causing the problem. Mon. it was still bad, of course we know it takes some time to get things out of your system. We bought a blood pressure cuff to check out the pressure, which we need to monitor anyway. That evening I was just finishing getting ready to retire for the night when my husband pops into the bathroom, he was almost screaming at me " Where in the world did this come from?" So nicely stuck on the cheek of his backside was my estrogen patch, just as though it was put there on purpose. We laughed so hard to think that this was causing all of his problems. And how did it get there? Well our kids don't even want to go there, after all mom & dad just
don't have sex,especially in there 60's. I had lost my patch, but didn't think anything of it, after all it was time to change it anyway. Hope you enjoy as much as we have.
# 1: SHE's shouldn't leave chili unattended on the stove because SHE would end up having to put the burning pot outside to cool off in the snow. Of course SHE will forget it's out there. SHE then would hear her very nice neighbor scream when he hits it with his snowblower and thinks it's the cat being splattered all over the yard.

1 comment:

Jenny, Mike and Paige said...

Mike and I laughed really hard when we thought you and John were the ones with 15 spare keys in your yard. Took me a minute to realize it was flybaby babe from Salem, OR.